The Life and Times
of
My Hooter

Mar 24-2001: Hooter Escapes

Mar 27-2001: Hooter Arrested

Apr 5-2001: Hooter Freed

Apr 6-2001: The Search

Apr 9-2001: Deep Shiggy

Apr 12-2001: Feared Dead!

Apr 12-2001 Late Edition: Ransom Demanded

Apr 12-2001 Late Late Late Edition: Hooter Freed Again!

Apr 11-2001: The e-Trail

Apr 13-2001: Farewell to SOS

Jan 11-2003: Hooter Parties With Austin

Date: 3/24/2001
Headline: My Hooter Escapes!

Story:

After being unceremoniously dumped in a hash bag for several days, I, My Hooter, have escaped. As I have already communcated to the lovelyand spiritual SOS, The kidnappers left only the following ransom note:

Sheet on zee Sheengle,
We have kidnapped your steenken Howler. To get heem back, we needs lots of money
and sexual favors. Do not expect help from your Trash Horse Hornier friends. They are
zee poofters. Once we steel a matress, we weel send a bag for zee money and our
appointment book for to schedule zee tricks.
No, no,
ZHLO (Zee Howler Leeberation Org.)

Once I freed myself by leaping over this balcony above beautiful downtown Houston (1), I realized that I was starving and went immediately for Sushi (2), since raw fish reminds me of the talented and fragrant SOS. I then pursued a lead which I had obtained when hearing the kidnappers plans to get some ass from the sweet and supple SOS. Unfortunately, that lead seems to be a bum steer (3). Could she still be at the beach? I burried myself in the chase (4). No luck! Checking hash bars (5) and (6) was fun, but disappointing. Imagine my frustration when reminded of the botryoidal bottom of SOS by the Sticky Buns of Sticky Lips.

But enough wallowing in personal agony caused by my unfulfilled expectations! Time for a respite from all thoughts of women. Where could I go to get away from all women (except perhaps for the nimble and named PC harriet, SOS)? It's on to the PC hash (7). Oh oh, I drank too much beer and will have to spend the night here. Good thing I brought my tent (8). Let's hope I don't get into too much trouble.

Stay with this breaking story. Updates will follow when safe.

Scared but confident,

My Hooter

-- top --

Date: 3/27/2001
Headline: My Hooter Arrested

Story:

In a tragic turn of fate, I, My Hooter, have been arrested. The PC Hash was long and hard. No woman could have done the whole thing,even the swift and sexy SOS. Exhausted myself, I had to camp out at the on home to sleep off many beers. Imagine my surprise when I was rudely awakened by one of Houston's Finest, and booked for COD (Camping Out Drunk). I intend to fight this COD charge, perhaps with the help of my mentor, Hooter Bill.
In case you can help, SOS, I have attached a picture of my poor self being carted away. (9)

On ice,

My Hooter

Date: 4/5/2001
Headline: My Hooter Freed, Vows to Track Down Kidnappers

Story:

At last, thanks to the brilliant defense of my personal Jedi Knight and mentor, Hooter Wan Kenobi, I have been freed from jail. Although Idropped the soap a couple of times and was therefore walking rather gingerly, I was fit enough to pursue my terrorist kidnappers and thereby protect my Princes Lay-ya, the pure and loving SOS. Hooter Wan so impressed the judge with his defense that "Anything done in the pursuit of the sexy and succulent SOS is justifiable, including Camping Out Drunk (COD)", that I was ordered returned to My Place (10).

Once there, I went through the red hash bag into which I had been stuffed. There I discovered what I knew must be the identity of my kidnapper. Much to my surprise, it turned out to be a hasher. I thought that I had caught him Red Handed (11). Curiously, it turned out that he was not only innocent, but he was actually a hash hero. As he explained in great detail, he retrieved me from where the forgetful and fornicating SOS had abandoned me. He had every intent of returning me to the hash, but his bag was stolen by the real, and as of yet, unknown, terrorists.

Although pained by the thought that my cherished one could forget me for even one moment, I well know what too much beer can to do to a hasher. I therefore vow to henceforth think only warm and cuddly thoughts of my libido laden SOS. I further vow to track down the evil terrorists. I shall keep the pack updated daily.

My Hooter

-- top --

Date: 4/6/2001
Headline: My Hooter Continues Search

Story:

My Hooter, continuing his search for the terrorists while protecting the lost and lonely SOS, fears that he may have to go deep into shiggy to evade detection by his kidnappers.

Leaving urban Houston behind, he swears, "SOS, I will put you on this pedestal when I return." (12)

-- top --

Date: 4/9/2001
Headline: My Hooter to Leave Deep Shiggy

Story:

Darling SOS,

As you can see from (13) In Deep Shiggy, I am quite safe from the kidnappers. I have my eTrex GPS, just like you do, so I can't get lost.

However, it seems that I must leave this security to check up on you. I have been told that you have been kissing many, many unsavory hashers in my absence. I can certainly understand your frustration, but did you have to use so much tongue? And, did you have to kiss the men as well as the lovely women? Although I do not feel that this temporary indiscretion will gum up our love, I cannot stand meekly by in this swamp and let it happen.

Therefore, whatever the risk of capture, I am returning to save you from your unrestrained libido.

Only hours away,

My Hooter

-- top --

Date: 4/12/2001
Headline: My Hooter Captured, Feared Dead

Story:

In a surprising turn of events, it appears that My Hooter has been recaptured by his heinous kidnappers. With each passing moment, the chance for his intact recovery fades.

Yesterday, March 11, the gorgeous but grieving Shit on a Shingle received a brief but desperate message from My Hooter stating that the kidnappers had spotted him and were closing in. He sent his compass bearings to her to allow the triangulation of his position, and promised to email pictures of her surroundings to help her get close enough to use the compass bearings. Unfortunately, before he could transmit the pictures, he was cut off in mid sentence. Fearing the worst, SOS
maintains a vigil at here email terminal.

-- top --

Date: 4/12/2001
Headline: Kidnappers Demand Ransom and Sexual Favors

Story:

The ever vigilant SOS has received ransom demands from the kidnappers, including "lots of money, sex, sex, sex, and abc gum". The terrorists stated that My Hooter had been burried alive and could not last more than 24 hours. The distressing missive arrived at her computer only moments after the cry for help from My Hooter.

Fortunately, the kidnappers appear to be idiots. To prove that they had My Hooter, they emailed pictures from his camera to the crafty and coquettish SOS. These pictures included three which gave concrete clues to the location of his grave. Included here are pictures (14), (15), and (16) which show those clues.

At this moment, the mobile and musky SOS should be on a search and recovery mission.

-- top --

Date: 4/12/2001
Headline: My Hooter Saved!

Story:

In a stunning act of bravery and woodsmanship, the sexy and searching SOS has recovered My Hooter. Her picture of the joyous reunion (17) shows the initial find before she unclothed to welcome him back properly.

Unfortunately, the identity of the kidnappers will probably never be known. Hopefully, they will not strike again.

All is well that ends well. Time flies when you are having fun. Busy hands are happy hands.

On on.

-- top --

Wednesday, April 11, 2001 3:47 PM
My Hooter is safe!

From: SOS [mailto:bboudreau@houston.rr.com]

At 1:20 p.m. I received the following message from My Hooter:

<<SOS(Shit on a Shingle),Help,SOS(Save our Ship),

I have been spotted by the kidnappers. Running, and out of breath, my first
thoughts are of you. Be careful! I fear that I shall be captured within
seconds, so this note is short.

You can triangulate my position as follows:
(1)Bearing to Black and White Post 156 degrees magnetic
(2)Bearing to Orange and White Post 30 degrees magnetic

Unfortunately, you will have to be close to my position for the
triangulation to work. I will email you some pictures of my surroundings.
Perhaps something will help.

I hear theeeee......,>>

At 1:25 p.m I received the following message from the Hooternappers:

<<Sheet on Zee Sheengle,

We has recatched your steenkin Howler. We has burried him alive on the spot
where we founds heem. He vill die there if our demands is not met:
(1)Lots of zee money
(2)Sex, sex, sex
(3)Naked pitchers of you and Howler
(4)ABC gum of your choice.

You has 24 hours to comply before we tell your Trash Horse Hornier friends
where to find his dead body.

To proves we haves heem, we sends to you the pitchers we found in hees
camera.

No no,

ZHLO (Zee Howler Leeberation Org.)>>

Luckily My Hooter is such a smart hooter that in the pictures he took he was
able to give me his GPS coordinates. With that, and a lot of help from Fire
Tunnel, I programmed my gps to the coordinates, got in my car, drove in
town, and after many frustrating road blocks, I found My Hooter along the
railroad tracks in a garbage bag behind the Full Moon parking lot. I
quickly got him to the car, buckled him in and drove him straight home. He
is tired and has some stress marks from his crazy one-month adventure, but
all in all, My Hooter is looking mighty fine. I will bring My Hooter to the
Full Moon run tonight, but he will be under constant supervision (or in a
locked car which should be off limits to sticky hands!!!!!)

I think I know who was behind all of this, but I won't publicly point any
fingers. If you wish to come forward and unburden yourself of the shame and
guilty feelings for leaving me hooterless for one month (to the day), that
would the manly thing to do. (Plus I bet you can't wait to let everyone know
how creative you really are!)

Thank you to the kind hasher, whoever that might be who tried to help me get
my hooter back. And thanks to Fire Tunnel for her support and guidance
today on the cell phone as Happy Meal and I treked through the woods (when
we could have just walked down the railroad track but that's another story),
and gave me strength as I opened the garbage bag not knowing if I would find
My Hooter or some body part from a missing Houston person.

On-On (and happy to have her hooter back),
Shit On a Shingle ...---...

-- top --

Date: 4/12/2001
Headline: Hashers Rejoice at Full Moon Run

Story:

In an orgy of ecstasy, the Hash celebrated the return of My Hooter to his moist mistress, SOS. Decorum does not permit the publishing of pictures of the event.

On On
My Hooter

Date: 4/13/2001
Headline: My Hooter to Leave SOS, Seeks Kidnappers

Story:

As I awoke in the arms of my musky mistress, SOS, I felt alone, bothered by fragments of a wonderful and haunting dream. Ironically, supposedly happy in my lover's bed, I ached to be elsewhere. What was happening? I was safe from the kidnappers. Nappers??? Suddenly more flashbacks from the dream came to me in a confused montage (18). Not everything done to me by the kidnappers was bad! Kidnapping, napping, kidnapping, napping..... What was it? I could sense a hollow void within me where not even SOS could go.

I remembered a closeness never felt before. What had they done to me? Touching, searching, sharing. Adventure, love, welcome home, safety, happy exhaustion... What happened? How? Why? Can it be repeated?

Finally, my memory began to clear. As we touched and shared, my kidnappers and I actually seemed to experience an "identity exchange". I became the nappers. They became me. I could feel their feeling me. I knew their innermost wants. They mine. Teetering on the elusive cusp of ecstacy, I was suffused with a calm love, overlain with a warm, laughing friendship, a mutual respect, and a deep, patient trust. My innermost core was seared with drug like rapture. Never before had I felt so thrilled yet so safe that I could be totally out of control in shared abandon. My thoughts soared. Je pense, donc je t'aime. Who said that? What language was that? Did I think that? Oh! I understood.

I had become addicted. My feeling of emptiness with SOS was not a condemnation of her. It was rather, an acknowledgement of a joy temporarily lost.

What now?

I know that my relationship with SOS is transitory. She will tire of me and pass me on. At that time, I, My Hooter, vow to continue my search for the kidnappers. Not to bring them to justice, but to bring me back to me, to sharing their essence, their souls, their whole.

Yours, my nappers,

The Reawakened My Hooter

1/11/2003

HEADLINE NEWS:
Hooter Parties with the Austin Hash

Abductors remain anounomous!

My Hooter has left the building! He mysteriously arrived to party with the Austin Hash.

My Hooter does seem to be enjoying himself at the Order of the Fez beer tasting in LJs bar in Austin.

...later at Mugshotz, aka Barfly South.

Lonely without SOS or the Houston Hash, Hooter puts the move on an Austin Harriette, he chooses one that doesn't talk too much....

click above

More news in the next episode of "The Life and Times of My Hooter"